


happiness was never mine to hold

by ByTheAngell (SomeLittleInfamy)



Series: Tumblr Prompts [36]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-05
Updated: 2019-04-05
Packaged: 2020-01-05 00:54:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18355274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomeLittleInfamy/pseuds/ByTheAngell
Summary: Magnus talks to Catarina before deciding whether or not to have Lorenzo take his magic back, because if anyone in his life can understand where he's coming from, surely it's her?





	happiness was never mine to hold

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: something angsty with Magnus cause lets be real here our hearts already broke during the episode, at this point angsty fic might be cathartic in a way

There’s a knock on the door of the infirmary room where he sits on the edge of the bed, waiting. He’s only expecting one person and gives a quiet “Come in” without bothering to ask who it is or get up to check. The door opens and closes - he’s careful not to look up until he’s positive it’s shut because he doesn’t want to catch sight of Alec or Lorenzo waiting for him in the hallway, only looking up at Catarina when he’s certain she’s the only one he’ll see. 

“How do you feel? You haven’t--” she starts, but allows the words to fall away at the immediate cringe the question brings to his face. 

“No, I haven’t used my-” he cuts himself off. “- _ Lorenzo’s _ magic since I woke up. Alec wouldn’t allow it.” Magnus brings his hand up in front of him, feeling the power just under the surface of his fingertips, itching to be used. 

“But you still have it.” It isn’t a question, but he nods confirmation just the same. 

“Magnus--”    
  
“Catarina, you of all people should understand. In fact, you’re the only one I have left who might, so please.  _ Please _ tell me you’d have the same reservations if you were me. Tell me a part of you wouldn’t rather die than lose your magic?” He looks up at her with pleading eyes. He needs to hear that this isn’t just him being selfish, that this is simply a product of who he is, of what they are. 

“Magnus, I can’t imagine what losing my magic would feel like. I can’t possibly say what I would or wouldn’t do if I were you… But I can say that I love you.  _ We _ love you. And we don’t want to see you die over this.” 

Magnus huffs out a sound that could almost be a laugh, if not for the situation. “You should’ve seen his face, Cat. When I said it might be worth dying over, when I couldn’t immediately agree to letting Lorenzo take it back. You would’ve thought he was the one dying, not me.” 

Catarina sits next to him on the bed, reaching over to grab the hand he still holds out in front of him with her own. 

“Do you think it wouldn’t kill him to watch you die like this? Because  _ you _ didn’t see him in that office when you collapsed, or sitting at your bedside every second until you woke back up. He talked to you the entire time, you know.” She doesn’t say it to make him feel guilty, though. He knows her better than that. She simply wants him to consider all of the sides, to know all of the options, before he makes a decision of this magnitude. 

That’s why he called her here, after all. 

“I’m not me without it. Look at me,” he says, repeating the same words he spoke to Alexander. “I can’t live like this. This isn’t  _ me _ , and I don’t know how to find myself again without magic. This isn't a life I want for myself... why would I want to subject Alec to it as well?” Magnus drops his gaze again. “You’re certain I can’t keep it? Or what if I try someone else’s? I’m certain there’s another Warlock in the world who owes me a favor or two I can call in… I could just try until I find one that works?” 

Catarina shakes her head. “It’s too risky, and the process would probably kill you before you found one your body wouldn’t reject. I’m sorry, Magnus, but you have a choice to make. Keep the magic and probably not last the month - certainly not the year - or remove it.” Her voice breaks at the declaration and his heart breaks a million times over at the tears in her eyes when he looks over at the sound. 

“Catarina, please-” 

“I’m fine,” she says, sniffling and rubbing at the wet streaks on her cheeks. “It isn’t my decision to make. Whatever you decide, you need to decide it for yourself.”    
  
“But you don’t think I should keep it, either.” 

Catarina laughs, a startling sound in the emotional moment. “Of course I don’t, you stubborn idiot! It was always meant to be the three of us - Ragnor, you, and me. We just lost him, Magnus. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you, too. Of course I don’t want you to leave me alone, so sorry if you thought I’d show up and say it’s fine because I understand. I do understand, but I can’t sit here and lie and say I don’t care what you decide.” 

Silence falls between them then, one that sits heavy and draws out for several long minutes. Part of him already knew what she’d say, but he had to hear it from her. He had to make one last attempt at justifying his decision, or finding an alternative… anything other than giving it up entirely. Anything other than returning to that feeling of total emptiness. 

He pulls his hand out of Catarina’s and holds it up in front of him once more, allowing the smallest flicker of yellow flame to dance across his fingertips. He sees Catarina tense beside him, feels the pressure in his head almost immediately, but ignores it for just five seconds while he closes his eyes to fully take in the feeling of this moment. The warmth, the power, the  _ potential _ . And then he allows it to fade and drops his hand to his side. 

“You can send Alexander and Lorenzo back in,” Magnus says, tone hollow and resigned. “Tell them I’m ready.” 

**Author's Note:**

> (Find me on [Tumblr](http://bytheangell.tumblr.com) and also on [Twitter](http://www.twitter.com/By_The_Angell) while we all hang out waiting for someone to #SaveShadowhunters ! <3)


End file.
